Book of Alchemy and Stuff
by Anzhela D Asura
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the Truth does in his spare time? Or what happens when Ed closes his window? No? Well too bad, here's a selection of oneshots dedicated to everything you don't need to know about Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood. Collaborative effort of Anzhela D Asura and Darkfursilvermoon. Updated daily (mostly).
1. Truth is a Troll

**Truth is a Troll**

* * *

The sky was brilliant orange as the sun rose to illuminate luscious fields of green. The world was going to be a beautiful place today..

However, three very unfortunate individuals weren't currently in that world and were instead treated to a gloomy dark atmosphere and a sparkling pool of crimson blood with assorted mangled body parts.

"I'm hungry..." Moaned the 12th son of the Emperor of Xing.

"We know," Ed informed him, "Come on, you only had that boot a few hours ago."

Ling sat up abruptly and turned his gaze on the alchemist- or he would have, if he could've been bothered to open his eyes.

"I don't know how well-versed you are in the famous cuisine and customs of Xing, but a leather boot isn't exactly either filling, or something that you would expect to feed a prince."

Ed rolled his eyes, "Spoiled brat," he muttered.

"If you both don't shut up soon, I shall be inclined to eat you," Envy growled as Ling opened his mouth to deliver a snappy retort.

The homunculus sat lazily up on a stone column, glaring down at the arguing duo.

"Do that and you'll have no way out of this hellhole," Ed reminded the genderless palm-tree.

"Hey, what did you just call me?!" Envy yelled indignantly at Ed, sneezing.

The alchemist in question arched an eyebrow, "... I didn't," he replied cooly.

"I heard you," Envy hissed, "You called me a genderless palm-tree, don't try to deny it!"

Ed and Ling turned to look at one another, then back at Envy, and simultaneously burst into hysterical laughter.

"Genderless... palm-tree?" Ling gasped, clutching his side.

"That's a good one. And it wasn't even me! Ha! Your own subconscious is insulting you!" Ed chortled.

Envy growled, "Don't mock me, you pathetic humans!"

Now both alchemist and prince had calmed down, they took time to consider the implications of the insult.

"So, you really have no gender..." Ling wondered aloud.

"Yeah, That's usually what 'genderless' means. Dumbass," the short alchemist scorned, grinning up at the still infuriated Envy.

"Hey!" Ed paused to sneeze, "Who're you calling a bean-sprout so small he has to look UP at Envy?!"

Ling shot him a cautious sideways look and slowly edging away.

Envy laughed, glad it was not just him/her who was hearing the voice.

The finds-it-hard-to-open-his-eyes prince lay back on one of the felled stone pillars, thinking about his injured, attractive, bodyguard.

Ling went red, whether from embarrassment or anger, it was hard to tell.

"I was NOT thinking about her! And you know, in my country, it is believed that the more closed your eyes are, the happier your life is!"

Ling managed to get through this entire rant before succumbing to a violent sneezing fit.

"We need to get out of here," Ed demanded, "Now."

"Agreed," Envy said, leaping down from the column. "So, Fullmetal Pipsqueak, how close are you to finding us a way out of here?"

Ed was so focused on the ancient transmutation circles, the short comment almost went unnoticed.

Almost.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A-"

* * *

As Ed was pulled fast into the eerily familiar landscape, he allowed himself a moment to heave a sigh of relief.

"At least there's not some creepy narrator in this place."

And Ed could've almost sworn that he saw the Truth sneeze...

* * *

**A/N: Wow, now I check my stories, its been a loooong time since I posted anything. Well, now I've finished FMA:B I have a bajilion fanfic ideas, and I will soon be releasing a series of oneshots. (Sorry about the OOCness of this one).**

**Oh yeah, I don't own FMA:B. **

**And yes, I know Envy doesn't turn back into a human form whilst Ed is figuring out the Human Transmutation circle, but, um... maybe it changed back off-screen?**

**Anyway, please review, fave, and point out the many spelling errors that this probably contains (I use the English spelling of words btw).**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	2. A Xingese Owl

**A Xingese Owl**

* * *

"No, Al, you aren't listening to me. We need to-" Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist, stopped arguing with his little brother for a minute to look around.

"Al… did you hear that?"

"Yes... it sounded rather like..."

The Elric brothers looked at each other, comprehension dawning on Ed's face.

Ed smirked.

He walked over to the open window where a large tree was planted, leaves rustling in the night air.

He closed the window swiftly. A muffled thump was heard as something large, white and black hit the window and landed on the ground several stories below.

"I'm sure it was just an owl," Ed dismissed casually.

"Young Lord!" was heard quietly below. Ed opened the window and peered down. He grinned smugly at Al.

"Yup, just an owl," he confirmed, "Just a Xingese owl."

* * *

**A/N: This is now a group of oneshots, posted randomly at least once a week and written by either me or Darkfursilvermoon (this one was by her).**

**And I will NEVER own FMA:B - although I'm quite glad of that.  
**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	3. Correction

**Correction**

* * *

Maria Ross was walking back to her office when she met Colonel Mustang. The colonel smiled at her and she grinned back. Suddenly his face went pale. Her breath was blown out of her as his fist met her cheek, flinging her backwards. He brought his hand up, ready to click.

"Wait!" Ross yelled. Mustang paused.

"What, you little freak."

Ross paled. Why was Mustang persecuting her like she was the enemy?

"Colonel, it's me! What's wrong?"

"Get out of it, you bastard. I know who you are."

"No, Colonel - It's me, I swear!"

"Oh yes? Then where is the little mole that Maria has under her right eye? Answer that, you bloody Homunculus!"

Ross sweatdropped. "Roy… I got laser surgery."

Mustang sweatdropped. "Oh."

* * *

**A/N: Also written by Darkfursilvermoon. I am just soooooo lazy:)**

**Yes, I own FMA:B and I will sue you all for writing pairings that I do not approve of! Seriously guys, if I owned FMA, I WOULDN'T CALL IT FANFICTION, I WOULD CALL IT HEYA BITCHES, THIS IS THE BOOK OF ALCHEMY!**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	4. Meanwhile in the Gate of Truth

**Meanwhile in the Gate of Truth...**

* * *

Sometimes, being God got boring. Well, it really was a controversial subject as to whether the Truth could really consider himself to be God, but hey, no-one around here in the Gate to complain.

Now, Truth might be an omniscient being (well, omniscient was an over exaggeration. He didn't know EVERYTHING. Just everything that anyone in the world knew, which was a lot. Seriously, Truth was freaked by the downright crazy shit that some people knew. Seriously, why do you need to know that fingernails grow at 0.12mm per day on average? Truth thought it was quite unnecessary, but then again, he's not everyone -well he is, but yeah. Getting off topic here) and downright invulnerable too, but even he got bored sometime.

Actually, he had everyone in the world's boredom.

Sometimes Truth really hated his job: sitting all day long, taunting all the newly deceased on how ridiculously they died and BEGGING to have another person try Human Transmutation because he would do anything, ANYTHING, to stop. Being. Bored. And yes, he watched the Series 1 finale of Sherlock too.

Luckily, Truth was not alone. For once. When two ickle boys decided to bring their mummy back from the grave, his boredom had overcome him to the extent that he just HAD to have SOMEONE to talk to. And so, Alphonse Elric was permanently trapped. Sucks to be him.

"Oi, Alphonse. Wanna play chess?"

Al's head spun around like a revolving door - the creepy git.

"I'm not Al. I'm the embodiment of his body," the, uh, 'embodiment of Al's body' replied.

"Uh," Truth scratched his head, "Right... wanna play anyway?"

Al shrugged, "Ok then."

And so, Truth nicked a chess set off some weirdo in Britannia and the game commenced. Obviously, Truth played white- you know, symbolism and that.

Whilst moving a pawn, Truth attempted to make small talk.

"So, Al... how's things?"

Al stared back blankly, moving the opposite pawn. Truth decided that small talk was a bad thing to attempt.

It wasn't long before Truth realised that Al was just mirroring his exact moves, and this wasn't exactly the best game to play with the, uh, 'embodiment of a body'.

And so, it wasn't long before they were back sitting in awkward silence, with the chess set safely in the hands of a _very _confused Britannian.

* * *

**A/N: Woooh! A story that WAS written by me! I'm amazing. (With AWFUL suggestions from Darkfursilvermoon). Yup, I have created a new pairing: Truth/Al! And yes, Truth was supposed to be OOC. Virtual cookies to anyone who got the Code Geass reference. :)**

**Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some Fullmetal Alchemist. Which, by the way, I do not own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	5. Paperwork

**Paperwork**

* * *

Roy Mustang never knew that the Amestrian military hated the environment. Seriously, the amount of trees that must have been slaughtered to create this much paperwork must be huge.

Mustang sighed, as he 'read' the paperwork. His brain wasn't working correctly, but he was pretty sure that if it were, he would be able to find the words 'Edward Elric' and 'property damage' somewhere on the page.

"Hey Colonel," Havoc called, poking his head around the door, ever-present cigarette clenched between his teeth.

Mustang looked up wearily, scowling at the sight of his subordinate's grin.

"A message arrived from the Führer. He says he wants those documents completed by 1200h."

Mustang's eyes slid over to the clock. 11:37. They slipped down to the humongous sheafs of papers awaiting his signature. Finally, they flicked back up to Havoc.

Mustang ground his teeth, "Well, you can tell our Führer that he can _go to hell_!"

And Mustang snapped.

If there's one thing that Mustang could appreciate, it was the crackling sound of burning paperwork.

Unfortunately, he was prevented from being treated to this delightful sound by a torrential downpour of water.

Spitting, Mustang shook his head from side to side, spraying water droplets like a wet dog.

"What the hell?" he gasped, looking up through his sodden hair at a smug lieutenant holding an empty bucket.

"Sorry sir, I saw fit to eliminate a fire hazard," Hawkeye apologised.

Furiously, Mustang swung his head to see the only upside to his situation- the paperwork would be soaked beyond repair.

Unfortunately, he had been leaning back when he snapped his fingers, away from his paperwork, and the spark had been stopped mid-flight by the water.

The incomplete stack stood gleaming white, not a single mark on it.

Mustang turned to see his much smaller pile of completed paperwork to find a soggy snowball of wet paper.

"Don't worry sir, I can re-print those for you," Hawkeye reassured, smirking.

Mustang collapsed with despair.

* * *

** A few weeks later.**

Once again, Mustang was fed up. This paperwork was never-ending, and he was really doubting the efficiency of a military that needed his signature to allow new restrooms be installed.

Gritting his teeth, Mustang raised his thumb and middle finger to click, but stopped as he read a small section of the page that was seconds away from being ashes.

"New sprinkler system? What the..." Mustang trailed off, tipping his head up to the ceiling.

A small shower-head like device hung innocently off the ceiling.

Mustang dropped his hand back to his lap and picked up his pen.

Hawkeye smiled.

* * *

**A/N: Another one by me! Wow. I will probably publish at least two every day on weekends, but less on week days.**

**Doctor Who 50th Anniversary tommorrow! **

**No, I can't even be bothered to think up a more interesting disclaimer than I DON'T OWN FMA:B. OR FMA. OR PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING ELSE.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	6. Generations

**Generations**

* * *

"This halberd has been in the Armstrong family for generations!" Edward Elric sighed. The sparkles were getting on his nerves.  
He was sat with Major Armstrong in the mansion owned by the family. General Armstrong had gone up to Briggs and had told her brother, in no uncertain terms, to clean the house three times a week. Unfortunately, when the Fullmetal Alchemist had been invited along, he had been faced with manly sparkles for several hours. This mansion was huge, and seemingly everything in it had been in the Armstrong family for generations.  
"All of this has really been in the Armstrong family for generations?" Ed asked exasperatedly.  
"Lets see... We have... The halberd, Olivia's sword, this hair colour, that pistol, these knuckledusters, this table-"  
"Why did I even ask..." Thought Ed.  
"The chairs over there, that suit of armour, the feet on that bathtub, the bathtub itself, these socks-"  
"What the hell? Socks?!" Thought Ed.  
"That rug, this blanket, this water bottle, this incense, this embroidered towel, this gown, this tuxedo, this curl in our hair-"  
"Why am I not surprised that the curl was on the list?" Thought Ed  
"My shoes, this dagger, this lovely array of John Lewis kitchen knives, this brand of soap, this face cloth, this scar-"  
"Zzzzz" thought Ed, who had fallen asleep.  
"This teapot, this painting, this painting, this painting, our high ranks, our lovely charisma-"  
Ed was now snoring.  
"Our arrogance, our bravery, our prowess, our showerhead and, of course, the orange sparkles and the rosebush I carry everywhere with me."  
"Whaa...? He's finished?" Ed woke up.  
"Along with-"

* * *

**A/N: Wow. I am on a _roll. _Haha not really this was written by Darkfursilvermoon AGAIN. All that I did was stop her from making Ed say 'WTF' so, your welcome.**

**When something _hasn't _been passed down the Armstrong family for generations, I may then own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	7. I Want Doesn't Get

**I Want Doesn't Get**

* * *

Hmmm... What to do?

Greed was bored. He wanted so many things, he didn't know where to start.

"What about... The Central Bank?" He thought. And so, he drew up a master plan of how to get in. Unfortunately, he needed an accomplice.

"Lust..."

"Greed?! What do you want? No, don't answer that."

"Oh very funny. I want to break into a bank. Im bored. Come help."

"...fine. But I want a cut!"

And so, they walked into the bank. Lust seduced everybody in the building and locked them in seperate rooms while Greed made his way to the vaults. He punched the door with a black hand and put all the money into a bag which he had thoughtfully brought with him. Calling Lust, they walked out. Turning, Greed looked up at the marble facade.

"Lust... I want the bank."

* * *

**A/N: VERY short one, by Darkfursilvermoon this time. Hehe, I love Greed :)**

**I would imprison Greed in my cellar (I don't have a cellar, but, whatever) if I did own FMA, so, yeah. I don't.**

**Anzhela D Asura **


	8. Chess

**Chess**

* * *

"Hey! Greed! Hey!"

"What, Ling?"

"I'm bored sitting around here. Let's play chess!"

"Whaa... How?"

"Well, i take over for my turns and you take over for yours!"

"...Bagse black!"

A very intense 10 minutes later, Ling won.

"You... When did you get that good?"

"There's not a lot to do as the 12th prince of Xing."

* * *

**A/N: Very, very short. And by Darky. I'm sensing a pattern here...**

**Don't own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	9. Passport Control

**Passport Control**

* * *

Ling was ruminating to Lan Fan as he strolled beside her, walking back to Xing.

"Finally, immortality is within my grasp. Father will be overjoyed! Think, out of everyone who searched, we got the Philosopher's Stone!"

He would have continued if he had not seen a large, concrete building looming ahead.

"I swear that wasn't there last time we came through..." He muttered to Lan Fan, who nodded. They walked past the building. The clicking of automatic weapons stopped the duo in their tracks.

Ling turned slowly, brow drawn. A bunch of guards were staring at them, automatic rifles in hand.

"What the hell is going on?!" Ling snarled. He winced inwardly. Greed had rubbed off on him.

"Passport control. Show us evidence of your citizenship of Xing and you can pass."

Ling sweatdropped.

Lan Fan sweatdropped.

"How can you not recognise the Young Lord?" Lan Fan glared daggers. Her mask was off; it had been too hot and, anyway, who would be walking through the desert?

The travellers were both wearing long cloaks with hoods.

"Doesn't look much like a Lord to me!" One of the guards sniggered.

"I've had enough of this," Ling whispered under his breath.

"Behold, Ling, the 12th Prince of Xing!" He proclaimed, throwing back his hood.

"..."

"..."

"... We're taking you into custody," Said one of the guards.

Walking inside the ring they had made, Ling murmured to Lan Fan,

"How did they not recognise me?"

"Young Lord... I'm afraid that your... Characteristic fringe has... Well... Flopped."

Ling ran a hand through his fringe. It came back dripping. He sighed. The desert had been so hot that his sweat had infiltrated his amazing fringe and... Well... Flopped it.

* * *

Thirty minutes later he was on the phone.

"Hey Ed..."

"What is it now, Ling? You got yourself arrested for immigrating illegally again?"

Ling winced.

"Well..."

Forty-eight hours later, Ed was dragging Ling out of his cell by an ear, with Lan Fan trailing behind, muttering death threats.

"Honestly, I don't know why I bother," Ed muttered.

Ling grinned, "Ah, I make your life fun."

Ed frowned, "I've had enough fun to last me a lifetime, thanks. What is it about 'retired' that makes you want to drag me into your business?"

"Wow. Sixteen is young for retirement. Wouldn't be surprised if you're setting a record there," Ling replied, laughing.

Trailing along behind, Lan Fan rolled her eyes.

"Idiots," she muttered affectionately.

* * *

**A/N: A bit longer this time 0_0... Darky wrote most of this, again.**

**Ah... who doesn't love Ling? Or Ed? Or Lan Fan? Or... those random guards?**

**Anyway, I bought FMA between the last time I updated (sunday?) and now. So yeah, I own it. But seriously, having a disclaimer in every chapter is just pointless... I WILL NEVER OWN FMA :'(**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	10. I Want it All

**I Want It All**

* * *

Greed the First savored the moment. He stared at the imposing doors ahead of him as his underling fumbled with the equipment.

He hummed as he thought back...

It was in a red Lamborghini. He'd been cruising through the city when the idiots on the radio stopped chattering about their bleary little lives and played the music. The first lyric rang out above the purr of the engine.

Greed remembered the amazing tickling feeling as the hairs on his back stood up.

"Adventure seeker,

On an empty street,

Just an alley creeper,

Light on his feet..."

The electric guitar thrummed down to his very bones. When he heard the chorus he almost fainted with delight. This song was MADE for him! He turned up the volume as high as it would go as he read the name sidescolling across the screen.

Minutes later he was striding into a CD shop, trenchcoat flapping. He picked up every single Queen album he could find and walked back out, absently defenestrating a shop assistant through the third storey window. The unfortunate boy had to pass through two ceilings.

But Greed stopped his reminiscenses when his underling gave the nod.

He paused.

He savoured the moment.

He motioned to his underlings and used his black hands to break down the doors as the music played.

"I WANT IT ALL."

Lust raised an eyebrow.

"I WANT IT ALL."

Pride blinked.

"I WANT IT ALL."

Envy smirked.

"AND I WANT IT NOW."

Wrath buried his face in his hands.

"I WANT IT ALL."

Gluttony salivated as the music built.

"I WANT IT ALL."

Sloth scratched his head.

I WANT IT ALL - AND I WANT IT NOO-OOOW!"

Greed took in their astonished expressions. He grinned.

"And that, bitches, is my new theme song."

Father sighed. "Now that we are all here, lets move on."

* * *

**A/N: This was my idea, but Darky got to it before me :)  
**

**Haha, gotta love Greed.**

**I own neither FMA nor 'I Want it All' by Queen.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	11. Coconut

**Coconuts**

* * *

"Hey! Envy!" A familiar voice rang out from behind the Homunculus.

"What, Ed?" He/she - it - turned, annoyed.

"I got you a present! It's your birthday, right?"

"No."

"I knew it! I knew it was your birthday!"

"No, it's not my birthday-"

"Shall I sing to you?"

"NO."

"Ok! Here's your present! I got it from -"

Envy took the wiry brown orb, staring at the grinning Alchemist suspiciously.

"What... Is it exactly?"

"It's called a coconut. You balance it on your head. Try it!"

Cautiously, Envy placed it on his scalp as Ed rifled through the bag he got the coconut from. He pulled out a camera and took a picture of Envy with the coconut.

It was difficult because he was in gales of laughter. Envy snarled.

"Don't you dare laugh at me, human! Why are you laughing at me? I am above-" Finally Ed managed to choke out some words.

"You really are a - genderless - palm tree!" Ed was laughing so hard that he fell over.

Envy smashed the coconut on his leg and walked away indignantly, leaving Ed - still laughing.

Later on in his hospital bed with his broken leg in bandages, Ed showed Al, Winry, Mustang, Hawkeye, Havoc, the Armstrongs and Izumi Curtis the photo.

"He actually- balanced it..."

The entire room dissolved into laughter.

Far away, Envy sneezed.

* * *

**A/N: My idea, written by Darky once again. Yup, Envy was so confused by Ed that it actually did what he said, despite the fact that it could have been a trap. *Sigh*  
**

**For whoever asked me about pairings in this fic- I support canon and almost-canon pairings, so there may be bits of EdWin, Royai, LingFan, etc. Sorry yaoi fans. Thanks for all the reviews!  
**

**Two updates in one evening ;)**

**I DON'T OWN FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	12. Casualties of Badassery

**Casualties of Badassery**

* * *

Colonel Roy Mustang watched the remains of the Homunculus Lust float away.

Turning, he bent over, hand clutched to his stomach.

"OWWW! HELL! OWWWW... Oh my this hurts... Owwwww... I'm in incredible pain!" Hawkeye ran over.

"Colonel! What's wrong? What happened?! Are you hurt?!"

Mustang started crying.

Later, in hospital, a nurse was standing by his bed.

"You have some severe bruising on your hand. You won't be able to move it for a few days and I would recommend not clicking for a week, at least."

Mustang moaned.

"Next time, try to go easy on your hands. Can't you just use a match?"

"No!" Mustang snapped. "That wouldn't look _nearly_ as badass!"

Hawkeye smirked. "This week will be ample time for you to finish your paperwork, Colonel."

Mustang slammed his head into a wall.

* * *

**A/N: Oh... The casualties of fashion. I mean badassery. This was written by Darky, and I've written a sequel to this which I will publish soon. By soon, I mean like in ten minutes...**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews!**

**Don't own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	13. The Conventional Method

**The Conventional Method (sequel to Casualties of Badassery)**

* * *

Mustang leant back against his chair, tapping the desk as he regarded the television with his black eyes.

It had been a few weeks since his confrontation with Lust, and he had been let out of the hospital, only to be given the task of hunting down a corrupt state alchemist the second he was in Central HQ, despite the fact he couldn't click.

What was worse, however, was that he had to work with the Fullmetal Alchemist. None other than Edward Elric, the annoying brat who was currently poking his head around the door.

"Hurry up Mustang! Havoc told me the guy only stays in one place for a day or two, and it'll take hours to get there," Ed whined, donning his traditional red cloak.

Mustang rolled his eyes. "Yes, Fullmetal. This broadcast is nearly over," he replied, not even bothering to come up with a smart 'short' comment.

"Fin- Wait... Broadcast?" Ed turned to the television. It was the weather forecast.

"Why are you watching the weather forecast?" Ed asked in confusion.

Mustang rolled his eyes again. "I have just got out of hospital. I do not want any more than minimal trouble on this assignment."

Ed was starting to laugh, "Because of the rain? Ha! Would you like an umbrella?" He asked mockingly, glancing at the cloudy grey skies.

Mustang tightened his lips, and Hawkeye took this as her cue to walk in.

"I've brought the umbrellas, sir."

Of course, this only fuelled Ed's hysterical laughing fit.

* * *

A few hours later, however, no-one was laughing.

The fugitive stood a few feet away, panting lightly and glaring through blood-stained blond hair. She was old, and not particularly proficient in Alchemy, but she was a nuisance nonetheless.

Ed was leaning against the building, his automail slightly mangled from a trap that the fugitive has laid out. Needless to say, Mustang didn't think he would have that subordinate's help for this assignment.

The rain wasn't torrential, however it was persistent and annoying, so Mustang stood with Hawkeye holding the umbrella over him.

This had apparently looked so funny that Ed hadn't seen the obvious trip wire, and was now going to be murdered by his mechanic as a result.

Unfortunately, there came a time when Mustang needed fire to dissuade the fugitive from any more criminal activity.

However, his hand was bandaged so tightly that he could barely move his gloved fingers, let alone snap.

Luckily, he had brought along some matches. Fumbling around, he managed to secure one, holding it aloft, triumphantly while trying to ignore Ed's snort of laughter.

He struck the match one, twice, three times on the box, yet not a spark was generated. Mustang felt his face burn, and considered taking up smoking just so that he would have a lighter.

Ed was doubled over now, caught in hysterics at the image of Mustang standing in the rain, losing in a fight with a match box.

'_The formidable Flame Alchemist,' _Ed thought gleefully.

Finally, Hawkeye stepped up, taking the match and striking it in one go, holding the flame close to Mustang's glove to allow him to use the fire.

Ed's laughter echoed in Mustang's ears for days.

From that moment on, Roy Mustang always carried a cigarette lighter with him- and an umbrella.

* * *

**A/N: By ****_moi_****, for once. Sequel to Casualties of Badassery (if you couldn't tell by the title).**

**I don't own FMA, and I will see (figuratively speaking) you (all?) soon.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	14. A Postcard from Hell

**A Postcard from Hell**

* * *

A labyrinth of wires littered the smooth concrete floor, where a number of individuals stood.

"And that's when the guy exploded. I mean, properly '_BOOM_' exploded. Guts EVERYWHERE," Envy told its invigorating tale to the other homunculi, who looked a mixture of bored, tired, hungry, seductive and... creepy.

Envy trailed off as it noticed a laminated slip of paper sitting near the exit of their hideout.

Curious, it went to investigate, picking up the paper with caution.

It was a postcard.

One side showed a picture of- well, Envy couldn't really tell. It was pretty sure that the coat was human skin and that belt was made out of a small intestine, but the person wearing it seemed to be Greed, smiling as cockily as ever, even after his death.

Frowning, Envy flipped the postcard over.

In Greed's lazy, arrogant scrawl, it read:

_To my dearest family,_

_I hope you're all happy in the land of the living. Being dead is absolutely shit, so thanks dad. Hell itself isn't too bad, except for all the torture and insane souls and that sort of thing; I've made a few friends. _

_See those sunglasses I'm wearing? They're my friend Ian's eyeballs- it was part of his torture and all that. _

_Anyways, I have torture to be had and souls to terrorise, so I thought I'd just send you this friendly little letter (I did promise after all!). _

_I'm looking forward to SEEING you all SOON!_

_Lots of love (except for Gluttony, that selfish pig),_

_Lord Greed of Hell_

Envy rolled its eyes and tore up the postcard.

It seemed not even death could shut Greed up.

* * *

**A/N: by meeee. I had this idea in my head after watching episode 14 of Brotherhood, so yeah :)**

**Thanks for all the reviews, and in response to a question about how I update so often, its because these stories take usually under 30 minutes to write and 15 to edit and upload, so its not too hard (I have five one-shots pre-written ATM).**

**Don't own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	15. Lolspeak

**Lolspeak**

* * *

Mustang accepted a new sheaf of paperwork from Hawkeye. He sighed. As she walked away, he glanced down and flicked through it. He stopped on a page entitled "Fullmetal Alchemist Report".

He read it.

'_This iz a report paw da wurk we did on Caturday.  
Me an Al went down to thiz guyz house an sez, 'we can has cheezburger?' An he sez no, and we r like whaaa? An then-'_

Mustang screamed.

_'We went round all da houses you told uz to go to, but none of dem had any cheezburgers, let alone a hot dog. But den dis wun guy, he was sat outside wid' a chess board an he sez tha' he has a cheezburger so we goes with him an he only actually has a cookie an so we eated his cookie and then we came back and dat is our report.'_

Mustang yelled, ran outside and grabbed Ed as he came out of Hawkeye's office.

"I'LL DEMOTE YOU I SWEAR! ITS HARD ENOUGH TRYING TO READ AND GET ALL THIS DONE, WHEN MY AGENTS GO AROUND ASKING CIVILIANS FOR CHEEZBURGERS - I mean cheeseburgers - AND THEN FILE A REPORT ABOUT IT IN LOLSPEAK!"

Ed blinked. Then he gave Hawkeye a tenner.

"I am never betting with you again!" He said to her, ignoring the raving Colonel.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry I didn't update yesterday, forgot. Happy advent to all who celebrate advent! This one is also by Darky, who btw got be Portal and Portal 2 for early Christmas. Thanks so much!**

**Don't own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	16. Conversion

**A/N: Just a little note before you read- this may be a teensy bit offensive to anyone religious. I'm sure Darky (who wrote this btw) did not mean it to be but I really don't want any flames coz I offended anyone. Just know that I'm sorry, and we didn't mean it to be:)**

* * *

**Conversion**

* * *

Mustang looked up as Ed entered his office.

"What, Fullmetal?"

"I have come to spread the love and guidance of the Lord our Father to poor souls like yourself, my child."

Mustang sweatdropped. "Whaa?"

"The Lord, the Son and the Holy Spirit bless and guide you. The Lord says, 'Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.' And so you should convert to the one true religion."

Mustang swore. "Bullshit. I'm not falling for this again, Fullmetal. Get back to work."

"Tell me, my son. Have you ever been baptised?"

Mustang sweatdropped. "No."

The sprinklers came on, and Hawkeye appeared in the doorway, dressed in a habit. Ed walked to Mustang and reached up, drawing a cross on Mustang's forehead. Mustang yelled, and threw him through the door.

Unable to hold it back, Hawkeye and Fullmetal burst into unrestrained laughter as the lieutenant gave Ed a tenner.

"Brilliant!"

They ran out the door, leaving Mustang to stare at all the sodden paperwork in front of him.

He buried his head in his hands.

* * *

**A/N: There we go. Quote actually is from the bible and I would know coz I'm doing Philosophy & Ethics RS AS GCSE. By Darky.**

**We have about 10 onshots already written, and so can post faster than once a day, if any of you want. Just leave a review or PM me on any preferences on time or regularity of updates:)**

**Don't own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	17. The Adventures of Mustang

**A/N: Two oneshots, put together coz they're really short. Kind of sequels to 'Paperwork'**

* * *

**Buuurn**

* * *

Mustang was sat in his office, doing paperwork when he decided to put his new plan to work. He opened an umbrella over his head and clicked. The sprinkler came on and wet his hand anyway. Mustang looked up.

The umbrella was filled with holes.

He looked back down to see Hawkeye casually leaning against his doorframe.

She smirked, and walked away to the printer.

* * *

**Frustration**

* * *

Once again, the sprinkler came on. Mustang yelled in frustration and punched it, breaking the infernal device from the ceiling.

A pause.

And then all the water in the piping discovered the new exit and surged down on Mustang, plastering his fringe to his forehead.

The next day, the sprinkler was back.

* * *

**A/N: Hehe, both written by Darky. In response to Not so Human, yes, we both watch Hellsing Ultimate Abridged. And None Piece. And Code MENT. And Nullmetal Alchemist. And Attack on Titan Abridged. It's fairly safe to say that we really like Abridged series.**

**Thank you so much for all the reviews, faves, etc. We are planning to continue this fic for as long as we have ideas. Which will probably be quite a while...**

**One question to whoever wants to reply: who's your favourite FMA character? Mine are: Greed, Envy, Kimblee, Mustang, Hawkeye, Ed and Barry the Chopper. Well, character****_s_****, I guess...**

**I don't own FMA:(**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	18. A Day in the Life of Xiao Mei

**A Day in the life of Xiao Mei**

* * *

Mei!OhFINGERSlook, ?... 'macat?Agh-ohlookitsFINGERSAl!MaybeifIjusttakealittlebiteofhisFINGER...OhcomeonFINGERSMei, ,I'm ,couldInothaveaslightlytallerowner? .Ooh,thatisbamboo!Yum, 't?WhyaretherenoFINGERSotherpandasinthisFINGERSplaceanyway?Waitwasthata...

FINGER?

* * *

**A/N: VERY short oneshot by me- btw, Xiao Mei (also spelt Shao May) is Mei/May Chang's pet panda for anyone who doesn't know. Wow. Over 50 reviews, thank you so much!**

**0_0 I missed out Ling in my list of fave characters! UNFORGIVABLE!**

**Don't own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	19. Peanuts

**Peanuts**

* * *

*Crunch*

Mustang looked up from the mound of paperwork.

*Crunch* *giggle*

Mustang frowned.

*Crrruunch!*

"There! Beat that!"

Mustang's face dawned with comprehension.

*CRUNCH!* "Ha!"

Mustang smiled, grateful for the interuption. He walked to the door.

*CRUNCH CRUNCH!*

He opened it sharply and grabbed the bag of peanuts from the astonished Elric brothers.

"How am I supposed to concentrate with you two having a crunching competition right outside my door? I'm confiscating these." He shut the door as the Elric brothers protested.

He walked back to his desk.

Sweeping all the paperwork off, he poured out the peanuts, careless of all the mess he was making. He lined them up and formed them into a square.

"Right! Regiment 1! Forwaaaard... March!"

He pushed all the peanuts to the middle of the desk and started eating them, handfuls at a time.

"Ahem."

He looked up.

Hawkeye was standing in the doorway with those infernal Elric brothers peeking out behind her. She was holding a fresh sheaf of paper.

She took in the mess he had made.

Paperwork on the floor.

Salt and peanut crumbs everywhere.

Peanuts on the desk.

Mustang hunched over the desk, a solitary peanut halfway to his mouth.

She sighed.

* * *

**A/N: By Darky. Sorry about the late update- I was in concert and got back a bit late. Anyway, time for me to sleep:)**

**Own FMA I do not.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	20. Exorcism

**Exorcism**

* * *

Greed was panicking.

He was standing in a chalk circle with alchemical symbols creating a force field, trapping him inside. He peered into the darkness.

"Umm... Who's there? Guys? Anyone?"

Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist and official Dog of the Military stepped into the flickering torchlight. He was wearing long blood red robes and a wide brimmed hat. He seemed taller, Greed noticed. He was probably wearing platform shoes.

Looking round, Greed noticed others - faces in shadow, but dressed identically.

The chanting started.

It sounded like an ancient language, eerie and rising in an echoing cadence. Greed shivered as the chanting reached the climax and then fell to silence.

Ed stepped forward with a dull clunk. Definitely platform shoes.

"Come forth, O bestial King of hate, leave thy vessel and journey elsewhere away from this sacred land. I command it of thee! Leave, devil, heathen, demon conceived of the bleakest night, I abjure thee! GO!"

Greed was sweating with fear.

One of the figures burst out laughing, doubled over.

"Your face, man... Oh Truth, man that shit was priceless!"

Greed snarled at Envy as all the figures laughed, revealing to be Mustang, Hawkeye, Hughes, Alphonse among others. The lot of them filed out, still joking as Greed gathered up what remained of his dignity.

"Guys? Can you... Like... Let me out? Break the circle?... Hey? ... HEY! COME BACK!"

* * *

**A/N: This one is by Darky, hope you enjoy! :)**

**RIP Nelson Mandela**

**Do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	21. Solipsism

**A/N: Sequel to 'Conversion', by me this time. Again, I mean no disrespect to any solipsists (I myself am one - kinda - and I know that they're not actually like this.) Also, a little warning- there is pretty heavy swearing in this chapter.**

* * *

**Solipsism**

* * *

When Mustang walked into his office, he thought that perhaps he had finally lost it.

Edward Elric was sitting on his awesome swively chair, drinking MILK.

"Fullmetal, what on earth are you doing? I though you despised milk!"

Ed's look of intense concentration relaxed into one of slight annoyance.

"But the milk is not real," Ed told him.

Mustang stared dumbly for a few seconds, "What?"

"The milk is not real and I am not real, therefore I am not drinking milk," Ed replied seriously.

Mustang spent a minute trying to work out if Ed was genuinely believing this or if he was just bullshitting. He decided to humour his subordinate.

"And why is that?" he drawled casually.

"Nothing is real. We are all a figment of the imagination of a consciousness. Or perhaps that too is an illusion."

Mustang blinked.

"Observe," Ed said, selecting a sharpened pencil from a pot on Mustang's desk.

Without further ado, he brought the tip of the pencil down onto his flesh index finger. The graphite drove downwards, embedding itself in the finger's muscle.

Ed clamped his mouth shut to hold in a groan of pain as blood leaked out of the wound. Mustang stared, too shocked to move.

"A-as you can see. I feel no pain because the pain is not real. I am a solipsist and I know the truth," Ed managed through gritted teeth.

"But surely if you aren't real and neither is the pain, you would still feel it in your perception of reality," Mustang pointed out, frowning as blood seeped onto his expensive mahogany desk.

"Ah- you may be right there, Colonel. FUCK! Oh fuck, that really really really hurts. Oh my God. Oh my God that hurts so much."

"I thought you didn't believe in God, Fullmetal," Mustang put in smugly.

Ed glared.

Two hours later and Ed left the military hospital with his finger wrapped in bandages after having to explain to the doctor why there was graphite embedded in his finger.

"Right. That is the _last_ time I am _ever_ converting to _any_ religion..."

* * *

**A/N: As I said at the top, this one was by me. Sorry XD, couldn't resist. Just out of interest... who do you think is the most irritating character in FMA? IMO its Mei, but a lot of people don't like Yoki. I love him!**

**I don't own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	22. Chalk (Young Elric P1)

**A/N: Ok, this and the next three oneshots are all by Darky and they're in a series. I'm posting them all tonight coz they're really short:)**

* * *

**Chalk**

* * *

Ed was kneeling as he drew the circle next to his brother. Their mum was in the house making stew. The Elric brothers used the chalk that they had randomly found in shop made sticks.

"Oh blast!"

"What?"

"I broke the chalk!"

"Brother! That was the last bit that we had!"

Their mum came out.

"What happened?"

"Ed broke the chalk again."

"Ed..."

"Sorry..."

* * *

**A/N: I'll post the next in about half an hour:)**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	23. Practice makes Perfect (Young Elric P2)

**Practice makes perfect**

* * *

Ed threw down the chalk as he glared at the circle on the ground.

"Why won't it just WORK?! I can never get this right! It's so frustrating sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to just DO alchemy! Instead I have to fiddle around, trying to draw perfect circles freehand! DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD THAT IS?!"

* * *

**A/N: Part 2/4. See what I mean by 'short' ;) ?**

**Don't own:)**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	24. Compass (Young Elric P3)

**Compass**

* * *

"There!" The Elric brothers lifted the huge compass off the floor and started drawing in the complex symbols.

"Wait Al... Go get the stamps we made last week. I know practice makes perfect, but we aren't perfect yet and I really want Mum back."

* * *

**A/N: Part 3/4. HOW DO THEY DRAW CIRCLES THAT PERFECTLY?**

**Don't own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	25. Phosphorus (Young Elric P4)

**Phosphorus Does not Grow on Trees**

* * *

"Ok... 12.00005 grams of saltpetre... 5.806 grams of calcium carbonate... 4.79 grams of sulphur... 800g of phosphorus. Wow, that's a lot of phosphorus, wait. Al?"

"Yes brother?"

"Do we have any more phosphorous? We're 250 grams short."

"No... I don't think so."

"... Bugger."

"What does this mean?"

"Mum's going to have to stay dead, I'm afraid. Phosphorus is pretty expensive and we've exhausted what Dad left."

* * *

**A/N: Part 4/4. There we have it, all written by Darky (sorry, I had to change it to Phosphorus coz Potassium Chloride is really easy to get).**

**Phosphorus actually is pretty expensive and hard to get, coz the human body is 1.1% Phosphorus the Earth's crust is only 0.01%.**

**BTW, we will have 3 Christmas specials which will all be longer than normal:)**

**Don't own.**

** Anzhela D Asura**


	26. Antenna

**Antenna**

* * *

Mustang yawned as his poor door was yet again bullied by the ever-obnoxious subordinate of his.

"Good evening, Fullmetal," he muttered, moving the stack of paperwork to observe the small alchemist.

Ed frowned, thrusting a sheaf of papers that contained his report towards Mustang.

The man in question blinked... He could have sworn that the hair antenna hadn't been that tall the last time they met.

He had always assumed that Ed wore a ridiculous amount of hair gel to hold the silly thing up, but the antenna seemed to be just a normal tuft of hair.

"Fullmetal... exactly _how_ does that thing stay upward on your head?" Mustang asked curiously.

Ed looked up, as though by doing this he would be able to see it. His expression darkened.

"If I told you that, Colonel... then I'd have to kill you."

Mustang edged away.

"But... just between you and me... this hair antenna is held up by the DARK force of DEATH, DESTRUCTION AND... DYING BABIES!"

Ed grinned manically, turning and exiting the room, leaving the Colonel sitting, wondering what the hell just happened.

* * *

**A/N: So, now the world knows the truth about Ed's hair antenna.**

**Just realised how wrong this could sound out of context -_-**

**But seriously, I love Ed'd hair antenna. It just has this way of saying 'fuck gravity' which I love.**

**This was inspired by Eiichiro Oda (writer of One Piece) who said that the marine's coats were held on by the 'force of justice' XD.**

**Don't own FMA:)**

**Anzhela D Asura**

**PS: Anyone watch Hetalia here? I'm obsessed with it right now!**


	27. Deceased Generations

**Deceased Generations **or **The Death of Something that has been in the Armstrong family for Generations**

* * *

"Look at my amazing power!"

Armstrong ripped his shirt off. As usual, the bandits facing him were TOTALLY quivering with fear. One of them ran forward with a rather sizable handaxe. Armstrong stepped back, grabbing the blade with his thumb and forefinger. Careful not to cut himself, he threw the axe with the bandit still holding on to it. They crashed into a wall. Armstrong repeated the manouver with the others hitting several buildings until there was only one man left. The chief, who's name Major Armstrong couldn't remember. He started forward. He brought his hand up to wipe some of someone else's blood off of his forehead. As his vision was obscured the chief threw his rapier at Armstrong. The major stepped back, but gasped as he watched something fine, yellow and smelling of hairspray float down in front of him.

He screamed.

He picked it up.

He screamed again.

Five minutes and several demolished houses later, Armstrong was at the hospital.

"Put it back! Come on! You can do it, you're medical experts!" The nurse at the reception desk looked up. She looked at his palm. She looked back up again.

"I'm afraid that a haircut does not class as a wound, State Alchemist."

A while later, Armstrong was dejectedly limping through the headquarters. Mustang came out of his office and saw a little stub of yellow hair protruding from Armstrong's forehead.

He backed into his office.

Some whispering was heard.

His and Hawkeye's laughter echoed through the entire building.

* * *

**A/N: Hehe, this one is by Darky:) **

**Hoping to get to 100 reviews by Christmas! (overly hopeful .) Thank you so much everyone who reviewed, faved and followed!**

**Ah, to understand our Christmas special, you should probably watch 'Alchemist's Christmas' by faulerro on Youtube (obviously, our Christmas oneshots won't be out for a while).**

**FMA I do not own.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	28. Lawsuit

**Lawsuit**

* * *

Edward Elric was walking through the Capital when he was halted by several guards in the city uniform.

He made to walk past but they stopped him.

"Are you the Fullmetal Alchemist?"

"Yes." Ed replied cautiously.

"Really? We expected you to be... Well... Taller."

Ed snarled and leaped upon the soldier. The others dragged him off.

"Alright, Alchemist, things can only go so far. You are to attend a hearing tomorrow. Tonight, you stay in the holding cells, get it? Anything you say may be used against you, yada yada."

"Wait! Why? What am I accused of?" Ed was furious.

"Assaulting an officer just now, noise complaints, attacking civilians and property damage. Several people want to sue you for destroying their houses while you had that battle with Scar."

"But... That was his fault! Where's Mustang? The colonel? You aren't allowed to arrest me."

"The paperwork was sent to the colonel, and came back sodden with his signature and 'serves him right, the little pipsqueak' in rather bleary handwriting."

Ed sweatdropped.

* * *

The civilians suing him, however, did drop charges when Ed's defence stated at every argument "His hair defies gravity. Your argument is invalid".

Mustang seemed quite disappointed at that result.

* * *

**A/N: By Darky;)**

**0_0, this is the last day when the day, month and year will be consecutive numbers (for those who use the d/m/y layout- I'm pretty sure its m/d/y in America) for my lifetime (unless I live to be 103 years old).**

**Happy 11/12/13 everyone!**

**Do not and will not own FMA:)**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	29. Allergy

**Allergy**

* * *

Gluttony salivated.

"Lust, can I eat it?"

He pointed to a fleshy looking plant in the lobby of the bank that they were waiting in.

Lust sighed.

"Alright Gluttony, you can eat the plant."

Gluttony ran over, surprisingly quick for his bulk, and sunk his teeth into the leaves.

Suddenly his face erupted violently into small pustles as his skin started itching madly. His screeches became wheezings as his throat closed up. As he ran out of air he started dying rapidly, his Philosopher's Stone consuming it's trapped souls at an alarming rate.

Lust ran over elegantly and hauled him through the open door of a nearby car whose owner had left the keys in the ignition while getting a briefcase and chess set out of the boot.

Lust floored it to the nearest hospital and watched the doctors as they looked over the patient. One looked up and growled at a nearby nurse.

"He's having an anaphylactic reaction! You! Find the spare EpiPen!" The nurse scurried away. Lust watched the doctors inject her fellow Homunculus in the thigh with the adrenaline.

A while later, Gluttony opened his eyes.

The doctors sighed, relieved. One turned to Lust.

"He- It- your friend experienced a very severe allergic reaction. He should be dead!"

Lust looked back at Gluttony.

He salivated.

She nodded, and walked away, heels clicking over the screams and squelches of Gluttony's "hospital food".

Just wait until Father heard.

* * *

**A/N: by Darky. Just a ****_little_**** bit OOC. I mean, sure, Lust would take Gluttony to an ordinary, human hospital XD**

**Do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	30. Wrath

**Wrath**

* * *

Lust leaned over to whisper something to Envy.

"New boy looks a bit tense, doesn't he?" she muttered, flicking her head towards an ever-stoic Wrath.

"I'm not surprised. He is 'Wrath' after all," Envy replied.

"I wonder if we can get him to... you know, loosen up a bit."

Envy considered for a minute, then an ugly grin spread across its face.

"I have the perfect idea."

Two days later, Wrath was being dragged through the streets of Amestris, wearing everyday civilian clothes and listening to the confused and excited whispers whipping around him.

"Was that...?"

"No, can't have been..."

"The Führer?"

Wrath's eyebrows tightened, "Where exactly are you taking me?"

Envy just smirked, also disguised.

Finally, Wrath was pulled inside a nondescript building and dragged over to a wooden door with 'Dr Alison' etched onto a bronze plaque.

Envy knocked, while Wrath raised his eyebrows.

"Why have you taken me to a Doctor, Envy?"

"Come in," a smooth female voice echoed from within.

Inside, there was no medical equipment, just two chairs, a desk and... a sandpit?

On the chair behind the desk, a woman in her late twenties was seated, with shiny blond hair, manicured nails and a fake looking smile.

"Hello, you must be Robert. I'm Dr Alison, but you can call me Sarah," she said, quietly but clearly.

Wrath blinked.

"So, your associate here informed you that you have issues concerning empathy, sympathy and particularly, anger..."

Five hours and one very dead therapist later, Envy and Lust decided that taking Wrath to anger management wasn't one of their best ideas.

* * *

**A/N: That one was by me:)**

**I hope you're enjoying this selection oneshots so far, 30 chapter and over 90 reviews, thank you so much! The person who is the 100th reviewer can request any longer oneshot (if they want) and... They get cake.**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	31. Mating Season

**Mating Season**

* * *

Al was acting weird again.

It usually took Ed quite a while to stop complaining about his life and notice that Al was distressed, but this time, Al stopped dead in the middle of talking.

"Al? Al, what's wrong?"

"Um, brother, you know those two cats that I put inside my suit of armour?"

"Yes," Ed replied irritably, "What is it?"

"Well, I think they're... Well..." Al trailed off desperately.

Ed's face dawned with comprehension, and he doubled over in fits of hysterical laughter.

And from that day on, Al never kept two cats of opposite genders in his suit of armour at one time.

* * *

**A/N: This one is by me. I've written another short one- and I mean REALLY short- like 20 words or something that I'll be posting today as well:)**

**Again, thank you so much for everything!**

**I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. **

**Anzhela D Asura**


	32. Cats

**Cats**

* * *

Greed frowned as the mewling felines crawled over him.

"But I didn't _want_ cats," he complained.

* * *

**A/N: Shortest so far XD BTW this idea is _not_ mine, this was based off a DeviantArt picture called 'FMA Greed's great treatment' by saiyakupo. It's absolutely hilarious, sorry I can't provide the link. See you tomorrow!  
**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	33. Hair

**Hair**

* * *

Ed was thinking. Why didn't his hair grow like normal people's? It never seemed to change it's length. He plucked out a strand and stared at it.

Hmmm.

The embodiement of Al's body was sat in the Gate of Truth as usual. However, his hair was pooled around his ankles.

"Truth?"

"Yup?"

"Do you have any scissors?"

"Sure."

Ed fell through the Gate. Again.

"Hi, Ed. Good to see you again." said the embodiment of Al's body.

"It definitely is." Ed said, then turned to Truth. "I have a question."

"Ask away." Truth grinned widely.

"When you took my arm, it wasn't the only thing you took, was it?"

"Nope." Truth's grin expanded.

"You stopped my hair growing."

"I took your hair and some of your height growth hormone glands."

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW THERE WAS A REASON FOR ME BEING SHORT!" Ed drooped as he realised he had called himself short.

"YOU BASTARD!" Ed was pulled, kicking and screaming, through the Gate.

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT...!"

* * *

**A/N: Here we go. That was one of Darky's:)**

**0_0 Over 100 reviews! Thank you so much! My 100th reviewer was **_Kyla of the Desert_**, so if you want to request a oneshot, feel free to leave a review or PM me:) What, the cake? Sorry. The cake is a lie;)**

**I do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	34. Cake

**A/N: This is a 100th reviewer special, requested by **_Kyla of the Desert_**, who asked for 'cake' XD. Contains lots of Christmas and Christian references.**

* * *

**Cake**

* * *

Ed grinned at the chocolate log that Al placed at front of him. Alchemists as a whole were atheists, but the military celebrated Christmas in accordance with Amestris' majorly Christian population.

Al had decided that they would be joining in with the festivities on Christmas day, and Ed had reluctantly accepted. The added bribe of cake had been the turning point; the older brother had a surprisingly sweet tooth.

Mustang smirked at Ed. Time to have a little fun.

"Do you know," he began slowly, "How many people die every year on Christmas day?"

Ed frowned, "No. I don't."

"A lot," Mustang replied wisely.

Mustang leaned forwards, resting his hands on the table.

"And of those people, how many, do you suppose, choke on chocolate logs?" Mustang continued, his smirk widening.

If anything, Ed looked pissed off.

"A lot?" he guessed sarcastically.

Mustang could tell that his technique wasn't working. He tried a new tactic.

"Do you know," he paused for emphasis, "How many pints of milk were used to make that cake?"

This had the desired effect.

Ed went slightly green, pushing the log away carefully.

"Well, Fullmetal. Have a very happy Christmas," Mustang smiled and turned away, whistling as he walked down the corridor.

"That was cruel, sir," Hawkeye pointed out, falling into step behind him.

Mustang simply laughed, "Oh, he'll thank me later. He's not accustomed to that amount of sugar. Anyway, did you _see_ his face? Classic!"

Hawkeye rolled her eyes, Christmas at the military was _such_ fun.

* * *

**A/N: This was by me, and really fun to write. I've been doing this to my friends and parents ****_constantly_****, (telling them about all the horrible things that happen on Christmas. There are entire websites dedicated to this!).**

**I might miss an update tomorrow because I haven't got any oneshots in reserve. I promise I'll try to have them out every day!**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	35. FOOOOD!

**FOOOOD!**

* * *

Al grinned widely at the vast array of food before him.

The doctors at Central who had helped bring him from the brink of starvation had told him that he could eat properly, and he immediately asked for a feast outside the Rockbell home.

It was a celebration of their recovered bodies.

Winry, Pinako, Armstrong, Havoc and all their friends were there, including Mustang, who had gatecrashed to get away from the paperwork.

All the food that Al had promised to eat was there, and when the last was served they ate until they could eat no more.

Al staggered away from the table and lay on the grass, wincing. Ed waddled over.

"Al! What's wrong?!"

"I... I think I ate too much..."

"What is it?"

"I have a REALLY bad stomach ache..."

And Pinako promptly arrived.

"Move, beansprout!"

"Hey, you tiny-" Ed stopped trying to beat up Winry's grandmother when Al emitted a loud groan, followed by a fart. Pinako sighed.

"This could be worse than your rehab, beansprout."

"... HEY!-"

* * *

**A/N: YAY! I did manage to post one today! (Well, this is one of Darky's but oh well);)**

**Do not own FMA. **

**Anzhela D Asura**


	36. Insomnia

**Insomnia**

* * *

Ed was snoring. Al was lying in bed, awake.

Ed turned over and fell off the bed with a loud thump.

He stood up grumpily, untangling the blanket from his legs. He saw his brother lying there with his eyes open.

"Al... Go to sleep."

"How, though, brother?"

"... How? Just... Close your eyes and it happens naturally."

"I tried that."

"... Count sheep?"

"Tried it."

"Meditate?"

"Tried."

"... I'll get some sleeping tablets."

Al sighed. They would run out of tablets soon.

He missed Truth's company.

* * *

**A/N: Also by Darky. I'm so lazy :P**

**Don't own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	37. Greed meets Santa

**Greed meets Santa**

* * *

Greed grinned wickedly.

He had laid a trap for the most devious robbery yet - the possessions of the 'Christmas Alchemist'.

He looked through his binoculars, searching the sky.

He found what he was looking for and hid.

Moments later, a sleigh pulled by alchemical reindeer landed on the roof - and was trapped in Greed's net! He walked over to the fat man in red.

"Give me the sack." He growled.

"No." Santa said calmly, taking out a gun.

Greed grinned, and, point blank, shot Father Christmas in the forehead with his silenced pistol.

Santa sat back up, holding a small red stone. Greed gasped.

"You have a Stone?"

"How do you think I make all the presents in time?" The man laughed.

He pushed Greed over the roof and cut through the net, driving the reindeer into the sky.

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!"

* * *

**A/N: Hehe. This is by Darky also. 0_0 I always suspected that Santa is an alchemist...**

**Our school is finally finishing tomorrow and then only a few days til Christmas! (I may not be Christian, but Christmas is just too awesome:))**

**Thanks for reading, I still don't own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	38. Haircut

**Haircut**

* * *

"Genderless... Palm tree..." Ed sniggered as Envy walked away.

'I've had enough of this.' Envy thought. 'I'm changing my hair.'

A few days later Ed saw Envy again.

He had short, spiky hair.

"Oh my Truth you're Zoro! But darker. You're an evil, genderless Zoro! That means..."

Ed grinned evilly as Envy sweatdropped.

"You're an EVIL MARIMO!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MARIMO, YOU LITTLE BEANSPROUT!" And the meeting - and language - deteriorated from there.

* * *

**A/N: Little ****_One Piece_**** reference there;) If you don't know who Zoro is, just Google him and you'll understand. By Darky.**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	39. Depression

**Depression**

* * *

The Fullmetal Alchemist, The Flame Alchemist, The Strongarm Alchemist and Luteniant Hawkeye ran towards the latest sighting of Scar, the killer of State Alchemists.

Hawkeye ran ahead, then turned and tripped Mustang and Ed.

"Colonel, it's raining. You're useless. Ed, you're too short to go up against Scar. The Major and I can deal with this." Mustang and Ed knelt simultaniously, burying their heads in their hands.

*DOOM*

"U-u-uselessssss...?"

"Sh-shooort...?"

Hawkeye looked over in amusement.

"You two could start a little Depression club!"

Ed and Mustang glared simultaniously.

* * *

**A/N: Aww... those two. This was once again one of Darky's- I swear I will write one someday!**

**i do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	40. Boredom

**Boredom**

* * *

Kimblee was bored.

He was sat in his cell, bored out of his mind.

He rolled the Stone around his mouth.

He looked at his shackles.

They were really uncomfortable.

He sighed and lay back.

They were REALLY uncomfortable.

Kimblee gave in.

A while later, a guard looked through the door. He saw Kimblee sleeping and sighed in relief. The Crimson Alchemist was terrifying.

The guard peered closer. Wait... His arms were...

"Hey! Escaped prisoner! Quick, boys, it's the Bloody Alchemist!" Soon guards were gathered around the cell, armed with guns and shackles.

They crept in.

Kimblee was still sleeping.

One unlucky fellow was pushed forward. He slowly closed new shackles over Kimblee's wrists. The alchemist opened an eye.

"Boo!"

The guard screamed and ran, followed by his co-workers, slamming the door behind them.

Kimblee smiled wickedly and went back to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Guess who wrote this one? Yup, Darky.**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	41. Come and Have a go

**Come and have a go...**

* * *

Kimblee was sat in his cell, as usual.

The shackles were around his wrists, as usual.

However unusually there was a new guard, who was beefed up with self importance over guarding an alchemist.

Kimblee smirked. This would be fun.

"Hey!" He whispered. "I've got a little something here."

The guard turned, and saw the Philosopher's Stone glint between perfect white teeth.

"What's that?" The guard asked.

"Have you ever heard of a Philosopher's Stone?"

"I've heard rumours..."

"Well, i'm in the mood for a fight. Whoever wins gets the Stone."

"Sure." The guard grinned cracking his knuckles.

His knuckles literally cracked and broke a while later, however, along with every bone in his hand.

Kimblee smiled.

* * *

**A/N: ANOTHER one by Darky XD I have written the Christmas special, though which will be out on Christmas day or Boxing day, depending if my Dad lets me turn the wifi on to post it.**

**Don't own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	42. Alchemist Christmas

**A/N: Here's my Christmas special. Basically, this is set the year after the video '**_NMA- Alchemist's Christmas_**' by **_faulerro_** so you needed to watch that first to understand:) ENJOY!**

* * *

**An Alchemists' Christmas**

* * *

Ed yawned and stretched.

Looking around, he saw Al, sitting, a wrapped present clenched in between his metal hands.

"Merry Christmas, brother," Al called, seeing that Ed was awake.

Ed frowned. He didn't really celebrate Christmas as he was an atheist, but Al had insisted.

He opened the present slowly, his fingers delicately removing the wrapping paper to reveal...

Socks. A pair of old, stinking socks.

"Wha- Al?" Ed spluttered, glaring at his brother, who seemed to have a gleeful expression on his expressionless helmet.

"Remember last year when you said that non-State Alchemists have to give their 'superiors' possessions? Well, I've been saving those socks for you ever since."

Ed growled moodily. Last year had been a joke, a JOKE, alright? Something that he and Mustang had planned for weeks. THIS, was not fair.

Still, perhaps this Christmas wouldn't be too bad. How could anything get worse?

* * *

Six pairs of socks, two porn magazine and a couple of rotten fruits later, Ed was really reconsidering his words.

It seemed the whole of the Amestrian military remembered last year, and were still holding a grudge.

Walking into Mustang's office, he saw his superior had faired no better. Mounds of unwanted possessions were heaped up on his desk, with a bewildered Mustang sitting in the middle of it.

"Fullmetal, thank truth. I _swear_, I did not do anything to deserve this," Mustang paused and frowned, "Well, nothing recently."

"Don't you remember last Christmas?" Ed asked the colonel, collapsing on the seat opposite the desk.

Mustang scrunched up his eyebrows in thought, then shook his head.

"Nope, it's a... grey area," he rubbed his head sheepishly.

Ed rolled his eyes.

"Well, I'm not surprised. You were pretty drunk. But do the words: 'Alchemist's Christmas' ring any bells?"

Mustang eyes widened in realisation.

"Oh."

Ed grinned unsympathetically, "Don't worry, Colonel Bastard, that's probably the worst of today out of the way."

The homunculi seemed to take this as their cue to fly through the window.

"Oh, why am I not surprised?" Ed asked himself, staring at the pile of Envy, Greed (or was it Ling?), Gluttony and another homunculus that they hadn't seem before.

"I TOLD you this is the wrong room!" Envy hissed at Greed, who rolled his eyes lazily, grinning.

Mustang and Ed glanced at each other. Neither could be bothered to fight, and after all, it was Christmas.

"I assume you were heading for King Bradley- well, Wrath's, room," Mustang said.

Envy nodded sheepishly.

"Along that corridor, two rights and the second door on your left," Ed directed.

The homunculi trailed out of the room.

"Can I eat them?" Gluttony asked from the hallway. There was a soft thump of a fist hitting a plump face and a quiet whine could be heard from the hungry homunculus.

"Ugh, its such a pain," the unknown creature moaned.

Another thump.

When Ed returned to the military dormitory after a day filing paperwork, Al sat waiting.

"Did you have a nice day, brother?"

Ed glared. Finally, the hardships of the day were over.

Sitting down, he leaned back and placed his feet on the table.

The table slipped back, and before he knew it, the massive ornament decorated Christmas tree fell onto him.

"Oh, for FUCK's sake!"

* * *

**A/N: By me! MERRY CHRISTMAS/SEASON'S GREETINGS EVERYONE! Sorry its not great, I'm really bad at specials.**

**BTW, sorry about the lack of update yesterday, I was out.**

**As always, see you tomorrow!**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	43. Crimson Christmas

**Merry Crimson Christmas**

* * *

Kimblee was bored.

It was Christmas time.

He started humming.

Then singing.

"On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me...

A demolished city!

"On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Two blood red Stones,

and a demolished city!"

This went on for a while, until, building to a climax:

"On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

Twelve soldiers shooting,

eleven children crying,

ten pure white suits,

nine shiny pistols,

eight BOOM! HEADSHOTS!, seven deadly sins,

six forgotten cities,

FIIIIIVE, HUMAN, SACRIFICES! - four alchemists,

three doctors,

two blood red Stones,

and a demolished city!

* * *

**A/N: That was Darky's christmas fic! **

**BTW, I am going away tomorrow to a place without wifi (D:) and so Darky will write and post all new chapters. If the layout is different, that's why.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	44. GreedLing

**Hey guys, Darkfursilvermoon here. Here's your update!**

* * *

**GreedLing**

"Hey, is Ling there?" Ed asked the Homunculus.

"Well, dumbass, where else do you think he'd be?"

Ed sweatdropped. "Oh. Can I talk to him?"

"Hmmm... Maybe... OW! Hey! No... Ling don't even- ouch! What was - hey! Move! Right, phew. Can I help, Ed?" Ling asked.

Ed stared.

Greed fumed silently.

Ed coughed. "Right. Um, yeah. Ok."

"Oh, wait a sec. Get down! No! He's talking to me, not you! Its my turn anyway! No... Im warning you! Stop it - ok Ed, ask."

"...It's about alkahestry..."

* * *

**MWAHAHAHA! I HAVE ANZHELA'S ACCOUNT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA*cough***

**Sorry. **

**Anyway.**

**Written by me.**

**Again.**

**FMA is not owned by me. Or Anzhela.**

**As usual.**

**Aiming for 150 reviews by the new year, people!**

**R'N'R!**

**Ok bye.**


	45. CIRCLES ARE HARD!

**Hey guys, still Darkfursilvermoon. Dunno when Anny will be back. Until then, you have me XD!**

**I give you: CHAAAPTEEER... 45!**

* * *

**Circles are hard**

Mei Chang threw again. And the knives fell and landed point up, scattered.

She threw again. two landed point down and then fell over, and one hit a rock and spun away.

"Argh! This is impossible! How am I supposed to throw them so they land point down in a circle?! This is... Argh!"

She threw. And the knives disobeyed her wishes once more.

"Jeez... Actually, screw it. Screw everything! I can't do it! It's not fair!"

* * *

**Because Xingese girls can have hissy fits too. How does she manage to throw them that accurately?!**

**Written by me again because Anny is SO LAZY. Seriously. I do everything around here. **

**She just spends her time going on holiday, and learning Japanese.**

**Jeez.**

**She's probably not going to be happy about this author's note.**

**NOTE TO ANZHELA: DO NOT READ THE ABOVE. **

**Yeah ok bye. R'N'R.**


	46. Brothers

**Brothers**

* * *

Ed lay back lazily on the reclining chair, swinging down his automail hand to grab the phone.

Grinning at Al, he dialled, and held the contraption to his ear.

"Hey, bro," Ed started, sitting forward.

Al frowned and watched as the conversation continued, silently counting.

When the call ended, Ed had used the word 'bro' no less than 17 times.

"Um, brother?"

Ed turned his head to look at Al, "What is it, little brother?"

_Little Brother_. Well, this was new.

"Why were you calling Ling 'bro' on the phone?" Al asked curiously.

Ed looked incredulous, "Because he's my brother, duh."

"Uh... No, brother. I don't think he is..."

"Why not?" Ed challenged.

"Well, first of all, you're the same age."

"Twins," Ed shot back, "Separated at birth."

Al was unconvinced, "Second- you look _nothing like each other_."

"You and I look nothing like each other," Ed replied quickly.

Al sighed, exasperated, "That's because I'm in a _metal suit of armor,_ brother."

"What, and that gives you an excuse?!" Ed looked almost offended.

Al could barely believe he was having this conversation.

"Besides, how d'you know Ling isn't trapped in a... Weird Xingese body?"

Al facepalmed.

"Okay, okay. So maybe we're half-brothers."

"Ed, you can't get half-brother twins. It doesn't work like that," Al tried to reason.

"What gives you the right to decide that?!" Ed replied angrily.

"Oh, for crying out loud. I didn't decide, the laws of physics- or biology or whatever- did!"

Ed seemed to have no arguments left. Well, time for his last resort.

He turned around on the recliner, faced the back and refused to acknowledge Al's presence.

Al sighed wearily. There _must_ have been some mix up when they were born. Ed _must_ have been the _younger_ brother.

And so, when Ed bought up the subject again, after sulking for hours to think up ideas, Al just shared his theory on the reason why Ed was so short.

Ed didn't call Ling 'bro' again after that.

* * *

**A/N: Its me, Anzhela again, if you didn't notice by the layout. I finally have wifi! I wrote this one, gotta love EdLing bromance. Poor Al just doesn't understand :)**

**And yes, Darky, I read all the author's notes. **

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	47. Target Practice

**Target Practice**

* * *

It was Colonel Mustang's birthday, so Hawkeye left his gift on his desk when she came into work, early as usual.

When Roy finally rocked up, he found a small pot plant with long, pointed dark green leaves that drooped over the pot.

There was an evil grin drawn on the pot and a paper target taped to a leaf.

Mustang's grin matched the pot.

He was about to click when he glanced up on instinct.

The sprinkler had been removed and a tag was hanging from the ceiling where it had been.

It read '_Just this once. But move the paperwork FIRST_.' In neat handwriting.

Mustang grinned, grabbing armfuls of paper and throwing them out the door before closing it and turning back to the plant.

_*Click*_

**_*BOOM*_**

* * *

**AN: Darkfursilvermoon again. **

**Sorry Anny... XD**

**Poor Envy. Persecuted everywhere... **

**Inspiration: someone gave my mother a pot plant for Christmas.**

**She doesn't like pot plants.**

**Lol.**

**Ok, R'N'R!**

**P.S. Anzhela here. I just wanted to say to the guest that reviewed, saying that 'long was the 12th son of the Emperor' not the 17th, you're right, and I shall change that- although, I don't remember any characters called 'long' ;)**


	48. Flowers

**Flowers**

* * *

Ed was walking down the street when he saw a stall covered in flowers.

Reading the sign, he smirked.

He walked over to Mustang who was stood behind it.

"So... Flame Florists, eh?"

Mustang glowered. "Don't even ask, Fullmetal. Now, buy some or i'll demote you. I need to get these off of my hands."

* * *

**A/N: HAPPY NEW YEAR, HAVE A NICE 2014! Those who have had the new year by now, anyway...**

**Sorry, no special chapter. Much love from me and Darky, you guys are amazing! This one was hers, BTW**

**No owny.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	49. Matched

**Matched**

* * *

Mustang was sat on his desk, staring at a small gift wrapped in Christmas paper.

It was an oblong box that rattled when he shook it experimentally.

He read the note.

_"To the Flame Alchemist,_

_Merry late Christmas and Happy New Year._

_From the Fullmetal Alchemist."_

Mustang's glare darkened.

Carefully, he removed the wrapping paper.

Inside was a box of matches with "XD" scrawled on.

He ran screaming to where Ed was talking to Hawkeye in the corridor. He threw the matches at his subordinate's head.

He raised his hand.

And clicked.

* * *

Later, Ed was in hospital with third degree burns getting some skin grafted from his backside and crying over the singed remains of his hair, Hawkeye was phoning a sprinkler company to install sprinklers EVERYWHERE in the building and Mustang was in a holding cell.

The matches were burnt to a crisp.

* * *

** A/N: Darkfursilvermoon here, this one's mine XD. Bit late for Christmas, I know...**

**Oh well. It's never too late for some festive cheer, gift-giving and a roaring fire...**


	50. We're not Too Short

**A/N: Just to let you know, this is a crossover with Attack on Titan (not the whole thing, I've just stolen Levi). If you don't watch Attack on Titan, all you need to know is that Levi is small (but not as small as Ed).**

* * *

** We're not too Short, the World is too Tall**

* * *

There weren't many things that Edward Elric had in common with Levi. One had blond hair, one had black. One had gold eyes, one had grey. But both, though the fact denied explanation, were unnaturally short.

To Ed, this was the cause of much annoyance, embarrassment and denial.

To Levi, it was 'bah'. Height didn't stop him from being humanity's greatest soldier.

When the two met, everything changed.

Ed was walking down the streets of Amestris, when his lowered head collided with another.

Ed was about to growl and shrug the other off, when he noticed something.

His head had collided with another head. Another HEAD.

Ed glanced up, seeing a moody looking man not much taller than him. Black hair was parted neatly, and grey eyes stared emotionlessly down at him.

The man had to be, at the youngest, twenty and he was barely taller than Ed! There was hope in this world after all!

Ed gasped, drawing the attention of the man.

"What is it, brat?"

"You- you're- What's your name?" Ed stuttered.

The man regarded him cooly. "I am Corporal Levi of the Recon Corps, although I don't know why this information has any interest to you."

Ed just started, his heart warming at the fact that he was not alone in his small world.

Mustang glanced out of the window to see Ed talking to a short, moody man wearing a green cape whose expression resembled someone trying to solve a mental rubix cube.

They should start up a 'short' club, Mustang smirked.

Ed was very disheartened when Levi was plucked from the disappointed author's hand and shoved back into Attack on Titan world.

Levi couldn't care less, to be honest.

* * *

**A/N: Just wanted to write that down:) Its Anzhela, BTW.**

**I was also wondering if you guys have any preferences as to what time I update (I'm in the UK, so yeah, timezones and that)?**

**I do take requests, if anyone has any wondering ideas:D**

**Sorry the updates have been iffy the past few weeks, I've been quite busy. On monday they should be back to normal.**

**I do not own FMA or Attack on Titan.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	51. Stained with a Crest of Blood

**Stained with a Crest of Blood**

* * *

Kimblee grinned, feeling the warm Stone on his tongue as he cut swathes through the Ishvalans.

Blood spattered the rocks to be baked dry by the sun, and Kimblee was in his element; he danced with Death himself, weilding the scythe of his alchemy with elegant finesse, cutting down any that stood before him.

The Crimson Alchemist.

Later that night, the soldiers and Dogs were gathered around campfires.

One fire, however, was frequented by a young Roy Mustang - "Flame Alchemist", Riza "Hawkeye" - sniper, and Maes Hughes.

Their topic of discussion was blood.

"Hey, Hughes. How do you avoid getting blood on your uniform?" Roy asked.

Hughes frowned, a common expression for the otherwise cheerful man, thanks to the war.

"Scrubbing and elbow grease. What about you, Roy?"

"Well generally my enemies are ash by the time I get there, so..." The Flame Alchemist sighed.

"That's one of the few perks of being a sniper, I guess. We only see the blood." Riza commented.

Roy nodded.

"Obviously Armstrong has the advantage of skin. So much easier to wash when he can't be bothered to wear a shirt." Hughes chuckled morbidly.

"Hey, what about Kimblee? How does he keep his suits so white?"

"Maybe he has loads of identical suits."

"Maybe he has his own drycleaners somewhere..."

"Maybe his alchemy includes removing stains!"

"Maybe that's what he uses his Stone for!"

Kimblee, sat at his own campfire with no one else, glanced over.

"It's because I kill anyone nearby and they don't get close enough to spill their blood onto my clothing."

The three sweatdropped. Riza whispered:

"I prefer our explanations..."

* * *

**A/N: Darkfursilvermoon here! Ahhh, Kimblee... How does he do it? XD**


	52. The 'Brother' Box

**The 'Brother' Box**

* * *

"Brother? Brother? Hey? Brother? Look at this, brother! It's funny isn't it brother. What do you think brother? Brother? Are you okay brother?"

" YES ALREADY! STOP IT! STOP SAY ING 'BROTHER' IN THAT REALLY IRRITATING TONE OF VOICE! JUST STOP IT! RIGHT! AFTER THIS, IF YOU CALL ME BROTHER YOU PUT A CEN IN YOUR FOOT, OKAY?"

"Well... What do I call you then?"

"Call me Ed. That's my name."

"Okay bro- Ed."

"THANK you."

* * *

A few days later Ed was walking down the street with Al.

*rattle*

*rattle*

*rattle*

"Okay give me the money." Ed said.

Al lifted his foot up and tried to balance while taking it off.

Eventually he got it off and gave it to his brother while passersby marveled at his lack of a foot.

Al leaned against a wall next to his brother who was eating ice-cream bought with the "brother fund".

"Ice-cream is definitely on the list, brother. Oh, damn it!" He fumbled for a coin and dropped it down his neck.

*Clank Clank Clank Whirrrrclink!*

* * *

**A/N: This one's by Darky:) I THINK Cen is the Amestrian currency... I can't remember how to spell it though...**

**And hey Darky, I was writing this one! MY IDEA, and you stole it:( Lol, this was better than mine anyway.**

**Going back to school tomorrow:,(**

**Do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	53. Because I'm ANGRY

**A/N: So sorry I didn't post yesterday! Stupid Fanfiction Error Type 1 message:( I may post two tonight, so stay tuned.**

* * *

**Because I'm ANGRY!**

* * *

Wrath strolled out of the Homunculus meeting.

"Hey! Wrath! Hold up!" The youngest Homunculus turned to see Greed and Envy run up to him.

"What?"

"We've found your theme song!"

Envy switched on his iPod and turned up the volume.

_"Because I'm happy_

_Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof_

_Because I'm happy_

_Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth_

_Because I'm happy_

_Clap along if you know what happiness is to you_

_Because I'm happy_

_Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do!" _

Wrath snarled and threw Greed at the wall, storming out.

* * *

**A/N: To get this you need to have listened to "Happy" by Pharrell Williams. It's all over the radio at the moment though.**

**Second A/N: That was Darky, BTW, now its me, Anzhela.**

**This chapter was hers, if you couldn't tell by the referring of Envy as 'he' - I refuse to call, Envy as anything other than 'it', as its gender has never been stated in Brotherhood or the manga. Fair enough, in the first anime, Envy was male as he was *SPOILER* Ed's half-brother *END SPOILER* but in this version its an incredibly cute green slug with too many legs, so your argument is invalid;) **

**Wow, I'm rambling. I never knew I could ramble-type!**

**What I meant to say was that this chapter was written by Darky.**

**I do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**

**P.S. Where the hell did Envy get an iPod, Darky? This is set in 1914!**

**P.P.S. Apparently Darky did mean to write 'it', she just isn't used to writing about non gender specific people.**

**P.P.P.S To the person who thought we wouldn't be able to update daily now we're at school, actually, we still can and we can now discuss ideas:) No escaping from daily updates:D**


	54. Because I'm ANGRY - THE SEQUEL

**Because I'm ANGRY - THE SEQUEL**

* * *

Envy walked into Wrath's office while the Homunculus was out.

Giggling, he changed some settings on Wrath's desk phone.

He then snuck back out.

Even later, Wrath was sat at his desk. That song kept going round and round, he couldn't get it out of his head! It was driving him insane!

Then the phone vibrated.

"Because I'm happy..." Wrath slammed his fist through the phone and then through the desk, creating a rather large hole.

His hand was full of splinters.

His mind was full of Pharrell Williams.

* * *

**A/N: Another by Darky, the sequel to yesterday's. No massive monologue today! :D**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	55. Realization

**Realization**

* * *

Mustang inspected the pen that he held between his fingers.

He leant backwards tiredly, staring sorrowfully at the massive stack of paperwork that permitted his promotion to Fürher.

The sudden sound of a door slamming was music to his ears.

Mustang yawned, he couldn't wait to see Ed; he hadn't irritated his short subordinate for months.

The ex-alchemist marched through the doors and up to his table.

"Good morning Fullmetal. How was the west?"

Ed just smirked at him, obviously waiting for something.

Mustang frowned, "What is it, shortie?"

Ed's face split into a wide grin, "Ha! And that's it, Colonel Bastard!"

"Its not Colonel anymore. But what in Truth's name are you talking about, Fullmetal?"

Ed moved closer to the desk, "Stand up, Mustang."

"Don't order me around, Ed," Mustang berated, but begrudgingly stood up.

His face morphed into a mask of horror.

"No-"

Ed's grin widened even more.

"No, you can't have-"

Ed started cackling.

Mustang shook his head in disbelief. Ed was... taller than him!

Actually taller! The former Alchemist's forehead was level with the top of Mustang's head.

"How?" he spluttered in shock.

"Well, now my energy isn't being sapped by Al's body, plus my heavy automail arm's gone," Ed explained smugly.

Mustang sunk into his chair. What would he do now? How would he fill those boring little moments to replace his usual thinking-up-short-jokes?

There was one thing for certain.

Mustang would never forget the day when Ed actually grew taller than him, and Mustang lost his favourite pass-time.

* * *

**A/N: That was by me, Anzhela. 200th review was Not so Human, so if you want a free oneshot, just review it or PM me:)**

**I do not own FMA**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	56. Sugar Rush

**Sugar Rush**

* * *

Al really regretted buying Ed that cake.

It had been a sponge cake, a thick layer of icing sticking the two tiers together, with even thicker icing coating the top and sides. Little sugar studs decorated the edges, and different colour of icing decorated the top in sweeping, elegant lines.

Ed wasn't usually a fan of anything sweet, but he had barely eaten on their previous missions and was ravenous.

While the Fullmetal Alchemist went and slumped down on a seat, Al explored the Military cafeteria.

Seeing the cake, in all its sugary and calorific glory, Al had bought it, then dragged it over to Ed's table.

Barely glancing at it, Ed had started to eat monotonously, like a robot.

And that brought them to the present.

Al meekly followed Ed as he charged through various military office doors, shouting ridiculous insinuations about the Führer's mother.

Apologising to everyone was getting really boring, and Al wondered if he should just fight Ed to let off a bit of steam.

He dismissed this thought when Ed turned to direct a crazy grin at him. It seemed that his brother was having fun.

Al stopped, noticing that Ed was standing stationary, a bemused look on his face.

"Al?," he moaned, like a stroppy child, "Why do you wear that loincloth?"

Ed was pointing at the white sheet that Al had tied around his metal waist at all times.

Al mentally blinked. He honestly didn't know why he still wore it himself. It had been on the suit of armour originally, and he had just kind of... got used to it.

Before Al could respond, however, Ed had shot off, leaving only fallen paperwork and irate officers in his wake.

Ed wasn't _THAT_ different too his normal characteristics. He was just... a bit more curious and a bit less reserved.

_Okay_, thought Al, wincing as a loud thud, punctuated by a cat yowling echoed through the building, _make that a LOT less reserved_.

From that day on, Al literally had to apologise to every military official in the building at least twice a day - some had taken early retirement from 'stress', Ed was dubbed, "The Fullsugar Alchemist", and Maes Hughes had two gigabytes of blackmail material stored safely on his camera.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this is later than usual, I was writing a One Piece fanfiction. This was by me, and requested by my 200th reviewer, Not so Human.**

**Apologies if it's slightly weaker than usual, I didn't have too many ideas:)**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	57. Truth or Dare

**Truth or Dare**

* * *

"Alright Envy," Greed grinned, "Your turn."

The Homunculi had gotten bored with skulking, and Greed had suggested a game of Truth and Dare. They woke Sloth up when it was his turn, and there wasn't anything for Gluttony to eat, so it sounded like a fairly decent idea.

That was, of course, until Pride decided that he was going to play.

The others had tried to back out, but it was too late.

The problem was, Pride could ALWAYS tell when someone was lying. It was one of the annoying things about it.

Back to the present, Envy had decided to be brave and chose truth.

"Alright," Pride began, smiling creepily, "Tell us Envy. What is your true form?"

Envy went red, knowing that it had gotten itself in a deep hole with no convenient stepladder.

"This IS it," Envy tried quickly, gesturing to the spiky green hair and black clothes.

Pride raised a single eyebrow threateningly.

"Alright, fine. I'll turn into it, for one second. ONE second, okay? If you laugh, I WILL kill you."

Greed smirked, ready for amusement.

All of a sudden, Envy disappeared and in its place sat a tiny green worm-caterpillar-slug-lizard type thing.

There was silence.

And then there was a snort.

And then there was a dead Greed lying on the floor, two feet from Envy.

* * *

**A/N: Another by me, hope you guys don't mind:) Any more requests? I'm happy to take.**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


	58. Miss me?

**Miss me?**

* * *

Ed was smiling. After long years of exploring the lands outside Amestris' borders, he was coming home.

He grinned at how he imagined Winry's reaction.

He had missed her, and now they could live together.

He stared out the window.

As the train pulled into the station, he saw Winry waiting.

He lept up, ran out the doors and hugged her, then picked her up and started walking home.

"Did you miss me?" He asked, smiling.

She grinned back and kissed him.

"Yes." She kissed him again.

"And yes!" Ed laughed. It had been so long.

When he got home, he walked in the door into a gigantic bear hug. Immediately he started punching, kicking and struggling to get free.

Especially because the man wasn't wearing a shirt.

Wait...

"Armstrong?" Ed looked up.

Hovering just over his antennae was an orange sparkle.

He sighed.

A few minutes later Major Armstrong stopped crying and moved away, revealing a huge "Welcome Home!" Banner and almost every alchemist in the Amestrian military that he had met, along with non-alchemical personnel.

He hugged everyone, but his eyes were searching for one specific person.

Ah!

There, in a chair in the corner.

Ed disentangled himself from Hawkeye and walked over. He looked down.

"Well, my Fuhrer, did you miss me?" He grinned manically at the Flame Alchemist.

"No."

"Aww, why did you come then?"

Mustang cast a venom laden glance at Hawkeye.

Ed smirked.

* * *

**A/N: I have no excuse. Well, I have many, but I don't think anyone cares. Sorry about the lack of updates everyone!**

**This chapter was very obviously a tribute to SOMETHING that happened on Sunday (in the UK);). If anyone knows what it is, post a review and if you're write we'll give you a free fic/drawing/whateveryouwant. But only the first person.**

**Our 222th review can also have a free oneshot if they want.**

**I do not own FMA.**

**Anzhela D Asura**

**(BTW this was Darky's).**


	59. B Alchemist

**B Alchemist**

* * *

Mustang frowned, his concentrated gaze boring into the rogue alchemist's eyes. His cloak billowed in the wind, but the two combatants heard only deathly silence. They matched gazes. Mustang raised his arm.

And then a fat bumblebee zoomed between them.

Mustang's eye twitched.

It hovered closer.

He shivered.

It alighted on his outstretched hand. Immediately he shook it off reflexively.

It was angry.

It's wings whirred as it flew towards him.

Mustang turned and fled.

It pursued him, and was rewarded when he tripped over on a piece of rubble. It flew down and angrily stung him.

On the nose.

Mustang howled in pain and vengefully exploded the little bugger with a click into a little pile of ash.

He kicked it, then turned. The alchemist was on the ground, kneeling in front of Hawkeye.

She drew her blade across his neck, and he twisted with the momentum as he fell.

She wiped the dripping metal on his back and sheathed the sword, neatly wrapping up all loose ends.

Bee stings are exquisitely painful.

And hysterically funny to one's underlings.

* * *

**A/N: Why does Hawkeye have a sword, you ask? Because Darky. She said 'Hawkeye has a sword because swords are badass'.**

**Well done to NorthernMage for being 222nd reviewer and to Fire Lord Mowse for guessing correctly about the reference. If you want a oneshot, PM me or review your request!**

**I do not own FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST. OR BROTHERHOOD.**

**Anzhela D Asura**


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